Scattered and Out of Sync

I'm not sure where my life's going. It scares me. It saddens me. It angers me. I feel so unsettled and chaotic. I guess I've been skipping writing because I feel a little depressed. Among other things, you write to reflect and right now I don't feel like reflecting on anything. I have a freelance job managing blogs for a wholesale distribution company. I'm glad about that, but it's part-time.

I'm so obsessed with finding a job, a career, but I can't make myself relax. I feel lonely and sometimes my house is like a person who is mute. Its silence is heavy and hangs over me. Maybe I should go to the library. I feel so at ease when I walk in and browse the books. I miss writing. Lately I have been resisting the urge to write. I feel that my life is so cluttered and unorganized I can't get myself to sit down and settle into my "writing flow." Lame choice of words, I know. I feel so lost and scattered. I feel that without a career, I don't really know who I am. Or that in fact I'm nobody because I don't have a career.

The Glass Is Half Full, Because It Has a Steady Leak

You'll have to pardon if I sound a little morose but I suspect it doesn't matter since it does not appear people really read this blog anyway. I quit the loan modification job. After two weeks of co-workers viciously gossiping about me because I spoke up in two meetings voicing the absolute retardedness of with-holding our first week's paycheck (all of which I have not seen by the way), the supervisors pitting us the sales rep against each other, and the slithery pieces of shit that own and are vice president of the company dicking me around about my pay, I quit. My last check was hand-written by the way, I think that's the icing on the crap cake. How cheap are we here people? How unprofessional, greedy, and ruthless are you? Enough to where taking advantage of people and aggressively manipulating them is like breathing. No other job prospects and I won't lie and say I feel optimistic because I don't. I feel angry, frustrated, and just plain stupid that I've fallen into the sordid scams that I have. I know everyone is suffering; that's something that has been and will always be.What I don't know is what I am doing wrong. I'm pissed and I don't really care who knows it.

Here's A Legal Question About Paychecks

Is it legal for a place to withhold your first paycheck? And if so, does that also mean that it is legal if this first paycheck is never reflected in any pay period thereafter?

What Every Job-Seeker Should Realize

"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves." Luke 10:3

Maybe a better career choice?

Feels about that way.

We Don't Ask, We Take

"Are you planning to come back on Monday?" Margo is a blue-haired grizzled woman with kankles and up until this point I thought she was a nice woman. She shuffled into my cubicle and I felt that her eyes were hiding something selfish.
"Yes." Is this a trick question? Would you buy me a drink if I weren't? That'd be nice.
"Oh well in that case, would you like to make a donation for your seat?" Margo whispered. Her jowls jiggled as she glanced quickly behind and around her.
"Excuse me?" I can't even say that what I felt was shock at that moment. I can't even describe what I was feeling.
"To ensure you have a seat on Monday and make sure you're fully invested in the company. Would you like me to leave you with an envelope?" She handed me an envelope and I stared at her speckled hands but did not take it. "I'll just set it right here for you." Margo sing-songed.
"How much are you asking me for?" And why in the friggin hell would you ask me for money when I haven't even gotten a paycheck from this damn company.
"Oh dear, we don't ask. We just take."

I think that just about sums this company up. "We don't ask, we just take." Take valuable hours of people's lives. Throw the weak and desperate on Dialers so they can cold-call and prey on other weak and desperate people. No one asks; what is really going on here? Is this legal? And if it is, is it ethical? Does anyone care? Does anyone care that people are being sent around cubicle to cubicle to collect money from hard working employees who haven't even seen a paycheck yet? You're going to make me pay to sit in my damn seat when I haven't seen a cent for all my hours of work or compensation for a sale that fell through? But screw it, I'm glad it fell through, because that person realized something before I did: that this whole thing is b.s. What we're selling does help people, but not all people. And if it's not for them or they can't pay I'm not going to push them.

It's not in my nature to manipulate or intimidate just to make a sale. I care about people. What we're doing can't even be called telemarketing because telemarketers get paid. We don't even have a set pay-scale because it's a new company and new office. Whatever. If I get a paycheck tomorrow, I still am unsure about whether I will stay. I don't have a back up job yet. I feel I need a safety net. Psychologically it's nice to dress in business attire and go to an office from 9-5. But I've come to see that's all it is, dress up. I don't look professional, I look like a well-dressed fool. What I can tell you for sure is that if I do not have a paycheck for at least a week's pay waiting for me, I will tell these scumbags where to go AND show them how to get there. I will make them wish I was never born.